Anger Management

Anger is an emotion that comes naturally over an indecent event. It expresses disappointment, dissatisfaction and difference of opinion if anything is unbearable or goes against one’s own expectations. If one chooses this emotion consciously, then it can be helpful in some circumstances, such as maintaining discipline, giving orders, fighting for justice, drawing extra energy while playing sports and during lawful interrogation.

Just like other primary emotions such as sadness, fear, joy, disgust and surprise, anger is also an innate emotion expressed in the first six months of life with particular facial expressions. We learn from our surroundings when to express certain emotions. For Instance, if a child sees one of his parents showing anger in certain situations, he/she might develop an association of this emotion to a certain situation, and as a result, he/she will show anger when the same situation arises in his/her life. 

Anger is bad if its outcome is harmful rather than beneficial. More often, anger becomes a habit and leads to disastrous consequences. And when it becomes a habit, it is not easy to let go of and people might find it difficult to express it in a controlled manner. They often find it difficult to let go of this emotion, even when its specific triggers have completely gone.

Both external and internal factors can contribute to feelings of anger. Internal reasons, such as brooding about ongoing problems and past traumas can lead to sadness, stress and ultimately anger and also when you think it helps people understand your stance. On the other hand, some external reasons such as the nature of your work, working environment, ongoing family disputes, household environment, past traumas and overall surroundings can also contribute towards anger.

When it becomes a habit, most of the time our brain perceives every situation in a fight-or-flight mode. This triggers the release of stress hormones like cortisol, adrenaline and noradrenaline, which amplify this emotion.

Our surroundings might initiate this emotion, but sometimes we don’t show certain emotions in certain environments, even if the same situation arises. This is the case with most of us; we usually express certain emotions in front of certain people or environments without thinking about the outcome of our behaviour. This negligence in understanding the outcome or other people’s feelings destroys most of our relationships. We might express our anger at home because we feel comfortable being ourselves and believe that those around us will understand and won't get hurt. In extreme cases, some may express anger out of arrogance to satisfy their ego. But we wouldn’t like to behave similarly somewhere else because we may be in front of unknown people or working under someone’s supervision (so we would not lose a certain position), or we want to behave decently to give a positive impression of our selves

What a person is this, whom people get scared of and obey him just because of his anger, not love or affection?

Narrated by Ibn Abba#s (rta): The best of you are those who are best to their families, and I am the best of you to my family. (Sunan Ibn Ma#jah)

Narration mentioned above is quite an inspiration for those who realize that their anger is affecting their familial relationships. We often find it far easier to express every emotion in front of our closed ones or immediate ones; we usually exhibit our bad behaviour with them. It does affect our relationship in the long run, even if they can understand us; our harsh words and our humiliating tone might badly affect our long-term relationships. If our goal is to earn an eternal reward in the hereafter, we should follow the directives of our religion. The fear of the day of judgement and the hereafter can be helpful in self-improvement.

In the Qur’a#n, God says: “And speak to people good [words]” (2:83). At another instance, the words are: “And speak to him mildly, perhaps he may accept admonition or fear God.” (20:44).

In the first verse, God says to the Jews that He took a covenant from the children of Israel to speak to people in good words. Thus the Almighty wants mankind to be conscious of how to speak. And in most situations, speaking softly and politely to someone brings peace to the situation. In contrast to this, whenever we speak harshly or angrily, it only gives rise to a lot of negative emotions and the situation gets worse.

In the second verse, the stress is again on the speech. The pronoun is for the Pharaoh. He was egotistical, rebellious, and considered himself superior to others. To such a person, speaking in a harsh tone or with anger would not be fruitful and speaking kindly could melt his heart.

Anger not only affects others but also affects oneself. Due to this, people might think badly of a person and distance themselves. But internally it makes people egoistic, jealous, envious, and hateful towards others, negatively affecting the personality and creating anxiety about daily life issues. The ability to think productively is completely hindered by intrusive thoughts.

To get rid of anger, one can opt for a very simple strategy, which is given in steps below:

1.      Realization of having anger issues.

2.      Identification of the causes.

3.      Formation of the solutions.

4.      Implementation of the solutions.

1. Realization of having anger issues

There are two ways to realize your mistake: through your conscience and from those around you. It is a blessing that we have an active conscience. It becomes active through our effort to become a good person, or it can also be triggered by others encouraging us to improve. When we become aware that we are behaving poorly or overwhelmed by certain emotions and realize that we have to change for good, then it becomes easier to identify the root cause of our anger. Without this realization, we will continue to make mistakes and harm others.

2. Identification of the causes

Identify the problem or the root cause of anger. Here are some examples to identify the cause of anger.

Example 1.0: If a person is a perfectionist who wants his/her environment to remain orderly and prefers to stick to a timetable, they may get angry if unexpected guests arrive because this disruption makes it difficult for them to complete tasks on time. So we can assess that anything that goes against our personality might lead to anger.  

Example 1.1: If a parent opposes their children’s choice in marriage, they often react with anger if their son or daughter goes against their wishes. This reaction typically stems from cultural norms, personal values, or simply a preference. Here, the desire to perform a certain task in a specific way is hindered by internal or external factors, which leads to feelings of frustration or anger. So if anything goes against our cultural or social norms, preferences, and values, it might lead to this emotion.

3. Formation of the solutions

Once we have identified the cause, we can begin to find a solution. For every triggering situation, the solution to get rid of anger is the same, and that is “conscious thinking of our behaviour”. In every situation, we need to understand others and realize where we are wrong and what strategies we can opt for overcoming your anger.

In previous Example 1.0, we see a perfectionist who cannot create an environment that aligns with their personality trait and expectations. Here two solutions along with their pros and cons can be considered.

The first solution is to live separately without anyone’s interference to fulfil a particular goal, without our loved ones. The pros are that it allows us to complete that particular goal, which can be satisfying. But the cons would be that it won't be beneficial in the long run, as our bond with people becomes weaker, we will become lonely and face problems on our own, and sadness may surround our later in life.

The second solution is to mould our behaviour and set aside our perfectionism for some time. We should train our selves to be flexible in our behaviour. We must make our selves ready for the inevitable, think of life as unpredictable and welcome what life is offering. By this, with a calm mind, we can take out time to meet guests, as well as put more focus on managing our time to complete tasks more easily without expressing anger to others and hurting others’ sentiments. In this way, one can achieve goals while maintaining healthy relationships.

In Example 1.1, people might feel satisfied by confiscating the rights of their children and might feel good to secure their values and norms, so that others would not doubt their upbringing. It might be because of the mentality of people around them, or maybe because of their own personal satisfaction, they end up interfering in the lives of their children. Parents’ interference in their children’s lives to the extent that they go against their children’s likes and dislikes may cause negative outcomes in their children's lives. In this situation, parents should put aside their anger or ego and find out their children’s source of happiness. And if their means of happiness are good for them, then they should not interfere; otherwise, they can tell them right or wrong, but still can’t force them.

These ideal situations cannot be achieved so easily. First, we need to ignore reacting to such situations, take a pause, separate our selves from the situation, wait until our anger or frustration goes down, and then join the scenario. We should practice this consciously wherever the situation arises. With time, we will feel that our conscious effort to let go of this emotion has helped us refrain from anger.

4. Implementation of the solution

Once we have identified a solution after recognizing our wrongdoing, we can implement that solution when similar situations arise. We can implement a solution by being mindful of our behaviour and consciously responding to certain conditions. For example, if we find our selves in an unwanted situation and realize we are becoming angry, take a moment to pause, breathe, and consider a constructive solution. After some time, as our anger subsides, we can maintain control over the situation, which may sometimes require patience. By behaving calmly and positively, we can prevent our relationships with others from deteriorating, our relationships with our loved ones will grow stronger, and this can foster a better understanding of each others’ behaviour. Additionally, through this conscious effort, we can also positively influence how others behave towards us.