| Question: I am an American born Muslimah who has been
married for four years to an Arab. During this time, I have given all I can to
this marriage only not to have him reciprocating even a little. I can honestly
say I have NOT grown one gram (emotionally, financially or spiritually); as a
matter of fact I think I’m worse off. There is NO WAY I can spend the rest of my
life with him. I don’t believe he is a bad person, but he’s just not the one for
me. As much as I’d hate to admit failure, I have to. I made a mistake and think
that the only answer is dissolution of this marriage. We met through the
personnel of an Islamic magazine, so there was no real ‘getting to know you’
period. At that time he was working outside the US, I was here in the States.
After about nine months of talking and writing weekly (as well as sending an in
depth questionnaire (which I later realised he didn’t completely understand), I
went to his home country to meet him and his family. And we were married two
weeks later even though my instincts were not completely at ease. But I’d come
so far; how could I have gone back home and admit my folly? Soon it became
evident to him that I could not live the cooped up life in the vastly
different Arabian Peninsula. We’d planned that we should move back to the
States. After a few months we came here. He had no real skills to secure any
well-paid job, and in fact has worked in retail ever since, never making enough
so that I would not have to work also. Well after a year and a half of marriage
I got pregnant unexpectedly and he was devastated! I was shocked! I figured a
good Muslim would be thrilled. In my mind, a good and decent man would have made
whatever sacrifices that were necessary to help me be comfortable and carefree
during that time. He basically ignored my pregnancy until he couldn’t anymore:
about 8 1/2 months! And it was also at that point, on our second anniversary
that it became painfully clear that there was no way we could remain together
for eternity. He was never supportive of how or what I felt. Although I asked
repeatedly, he would never read about pregnancy or talk to the other few Muslims
men he knew. I don’t believe he told his family about it until they heard her
cry once and he has never sent pictures to them even though I have hundreds!
Because he came here the easy way, and because I knew the ins and outs of
maintaining a household having lived alone for the previous four years I did
everything with the expectation that in 12-18 months or so he’d be adept enough
to take care of most of it. But now four years later, I’m still doing
everything: paying the bills, doing the shopping, cleaning, caring for our
daughter, maintaining the car, making money ... everything!! I have asked him
over and over to at least take over some of these responsibilities, particularly
the management of the money because I’m not good at it (I can be impulsive), and
it would more evenly distribute the weight. Out of 46 months, he’s done it at
most five times and never for a complete month cycle. I even made him a
spreadsheet with the expense, date, amounts, last mailing date, etc. and he just
ignores it. It’s fallen on deaf ears!!! And of course at the end of my 16 hour
day, he thinks I should be happy and more than willing to get intimate!!! On the
occasions when we do, I usually have to fantasise about another man (no one I
know) to endure it. Though we have discussed it over and over. He REFUSES to
take responsibility for the things he needs to ? Being the leader of the
household, he is incapable of making the simplest of decisions like finding a
new apartment or finding a more profitable job. Speaking of which he has never
made a real concerted effort to find better or part-time employment to ease the
stress on me and our financial situation. But every month, no matter how
stretched our budget
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